Jamesmusik

“Songs don’t wear out. Good songs are good now. If they were a comfort during those hard times in the past, they’ll be a comfort in today’s age.” -Helm, 2009

Of all the musicians out there who have inspired me in the making of my own music, Levon Helm has always been near the top of the list. His distinctive voice and soulful playing style will always be a great inspiration to me. Take a load off, Levon.

As much as I love talking about music, people sure can say some idiotic shit about it. Here are the five things stupidest things people say about music that grind my gears the most.

1. I like everything except [insert genre here].

On the surface this seems like it could be a somewhat valid argument, but obviously it isn’t. Usually the genre that get mad-libbed in here is country, but I’ve also heard metal, rap or “that techno crap” put in there.

Why it’s idiotic:

First of all, there is some worthwhile music in every genre. Despite the fact that country has largely gone down the toilet (seriously, turn on your radio to a country station and play a drinking game where you drink for every mention of trucks, America, women in jeans, dogs, etc. and you’ll be shit faced within 4 minutes), there are still a lot of good songs in that genre (that are actually being made today). No, I’m not necessarily talking about underground country artists but even some mainstream artists out of Nashville are making decent tunes. For example, here’s a mainstream country song that I would say is not terrible. It’s got all the glitz of the countrypolitan pop thing everyone goes for but doesn’t lay it on too thick so that it just sounds like a shitty pop song with banjos.

Am I going to buy this band’s album or see them live? No, but I might revisit this every now and again on Youtube.

Second of all, there is shitty music in every genre - even the ones that you like. Do I generally love DFA-wave dance-punk? You bet your ass I do. Do I like YACHT? Not a chance. That shit is… well, shit (in my very correct opinion).

Thirdly, if you think like two more minutes, you’ll realize that there are plenty of types of music you dislike. For me, it’s metal, dubstep, techno, British folk and of course lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk.

2. I liked [insert name of band here] until [insert particular release here].

I had a coworker last year who was vehemently opposed to anything made by the Decemberists after Picaresque. “But Crane Wife is so good!” I’d say. She saw the band last February and when I asked her how they were, the disgust in her face was palpable. “I liked them until The Crane Wife.” I had the same conversation the other day with someone else. “I don’t really like Iron & Wine after Woman King.” See, I’m guilty of it too.

Why it’s idiotic:

First, why are you going to kick all the good memories you have of an artist away because you don’t like their new stuff? Sure, I’m not going to listen to Kiss Each Other Clean probably ever again but that’s no reason I should stop listening to the earlier stuff.

Second, artists are going to change their styles every now and again. Do you want the same shit over and over? I think the artist does better running the risk that he/she/they might alienate some die hards than to stagnate artistically.

Third, there’s really nothing you like? Come on, even I liked “Tree by the River” and “Half Moon.”

Fourth, what’s to say you empirically dislike everything the artist ever puts out in the future?

3. I am [insert number less than 21 here] years old and this song by [insert name of a vintage artist here] is so much better than anything that’s being put out today by artists like [insert names of 3-4 mildly relevant modern artists here.]

On occasion, I feel the desire to listen to music that hasn’t been released in the last 10 years. Sometimes, I say “you know what, James, it would be cool to listen to some Gene Vincent.” Or maybe I want to listen to some obscure Johnny Cash tunes. Or maybe there’s a live Byrds bootleg that I want to hear. No matter, I tend to listen to my old tunes on YouTube so I don’t have to commit to a whole record and can’t just go sort of a la carte with the whole thing.

But here’s what steams me. Sometimes you get some kid on these YouTube comment threads that are on this “Man. I wish people still made music like Johnny Cash. Now all it’s all Bieber. By the way, I’m 14.”

You might also call this the reductio ad bieberum.

Me when I read a comment like the above.

Why it’s idiotic:

First of all, this is something parents get to say. My dad gets to talk about how the Dirty Projectors suck. You’re 14. If you think Bieber is the end of modern music, then to quote Sassy Gay Friend, I think you’re 14 and an idiot. Go on Google and listen to some Wolf Parade.

Second of all, when you listen to Johnny Cash, Gene Vincent, The Byrds, Dusty Springfield, or whoever you’re listening to, you have to realize that these artists were not the only artists making music in the past. Just as there is shitty music today, there was shitty music back then. For every Allman Brothers Band, there were probably three to four bands like Amazing Rhythm Aces. It’s all about things being canonical. Shakespeare wasn’t the only guy writing in the 1600s. Radiohead isn’t the only band making music today. In fifty years, no one’s going to remember Bieber except as some artists who a bunch of 12 year old girls went bananas over.

Third, “Bob Dylan is better than Rob Zombie” is the greatest example of a strawman argument in the history of rhetoric. It’s like saying you’d rather be the top scientist in your field as opposed to contracting mad cow disease.

Yes, because I would taste delicious.

4. [Insert song title/artist/album here] sounds like [insert another song title/artist/album here] mixed with [insert another song title/artist/album here].

Just so it can’t be said that I’m just a holier-than-thou person, I’ve included this one since it is something I tend to do.

Going back to Dirty Projectors, I recently described their new single “Gun Has No Trigger” to the band covering a Cee-Lo Green cover of the Talking Heads.

Now even though I think that’s a valid comparison to make, what the hell does that even mean?

Why it can be idiotic:

What would Cee-Lo Green covering a Talking Heads song sound like? (Does anyone know if this is a thing that might have happened?) How can you make up a theoretical combination like Hüsker Dü and Mama Cass? While it can be genuinely hard to describe an artist’s sound, there’s got to be a better way than making these wild combinations. Sometimes it’s easier to just easier to say, “Hey I know you like Titus Andronicus, so you should check out The Men.”

While the combination might sometimes be a necessary evil, there is a high likelihood that it turns it into a dick-measuring contest. “Let’s see who can win the obscure Olympics!” Let’s take this gem from Pitchfork’s (the main culprit of this) review of Wilco’s 2011 LP The Whole Love: “A glitchy motorik groove crashes into swarming strings before giving way to a slippery Tweedy melody; then it’s elegant bass ooze and keyboard creep, over which Nels Cline drapes a searing kosmische capper.”

Now, at some level the author is telling me about the Wilco song but honestly, I don’t know what the fuck a glitchy motorik groove or a komische capper is and if I listen to the song, those probably aren’t the associations I’m going to make. On the other hand, since I don’t like krautrock, I probably am not going to listen to this song. Conversely if I did like krautrock and this song doesn’t have an actual “glitchy motorik groove,” I probably will be upset that this writer wrote a check his ass couldn’t cash.

So here’s the deal. Don’t talk about music with dumb abstractions or half-assed concretes. Just say it’s upbeat or melancholy or reverby or something. But if you’re sure you can make a correct identification on something, make it. For example, if you were to say this following song sounds a lot like a Van Morrison song from the early 1970s, you would be correct.

5. I can’t believe [insert artist here] put their song in a commercial [or some other type of media]!

I fondly remember a time before Neko Case’s “I Wish I Was the Moon” was forever associated in mind with Anna Paquin’s breasts and Alexander Skarsgård’s ass due to its appearance in HBO’s True Blood. [I deserve this though by virtue of the fact that I watch True Blood.] But some people take this to an extreme and get very upset when their favorite artist’s song ends up in a commercial for some gas-guzzling SUV or worse, how Bachmann Turner Overdrive fans must feel about hearing BTO in a Swiffer commercial. But barring well-known and older acts, let’s talk about why you being bent out of shape about this is idiotic.

Why it’s idiotic:

First of all, your favorite artist whose song was just in a commercial for Kindle Fire or iPod or whatever PROBABLY COULD USE THE EXPOSURE. Wait, what? Yes, that’s right. You and even I have fallen into this pop culture vortex where we think everyone listens to Grimes and everyone will laugh at your references to the Paintball Episode. You may have noticed this pop up when Bonny Bear was a trending topic on Twitter. Most people listen to Bruno Mars and watch The Big Bang Theory. Any extra exposure can’t be a bad thing - unless you’re a person who says my #2 idiotic thing. In that case, you are a dirty hipster and you’re just as bad as those boneheads who accused Metallica of selling out in 1991. So shut up.

This is you and you’re the worst.

Second of all and in case you’ve forgotten, music artists just don’t make records for shits and giggles. Let me blow your mind a bit. MAKING RECORDS IS THEIR JOB.And sometimes, you have to make your rent or fix a tire or some shit so you have to work overtime to get more money. So since musicians don’t really have the option to work overtime, they might license out their music! And also, since you nerds are practically foaming at the mouth to download the Beach House leak because “I can’t wait to hear it” and since you probably won’t bother to actually PURCHASE THE RECORD, artists are losing cash because you don’t buy their records. I get that times are tough and I know that I can’t buy every single record I would like to buy, but kick them some money on Spotify or Rdio and maybe their song wouldn’t show up in a commercial. If you downloaded the song on Mediafire, you are not allowed to bitch about the song ending up in a commercial. So again, shut up.

Third, sometimes the indie song commercials are actually kind of nice - like this one featuring an M. Ward tune.

Thus ends my diatribe. Don’t say this stuff. God bless America.

As y’all may know, my favorite show on the telly isParks and Recreation,mostly for the crazy antics of one Ron Fucking Swanson. I am proud to say that come Thursday, I will be attending Nick Offerman’s American Ham Comedy show right at his (and my!) alma mater, the University of Illinois.

This is not to make you jealous, just to say that I will be giving a recap of the show and holy shit I’m really excited.